Can’t find my Phoenix, Can’t find Myself

16 Nov

I came home like a pigeon or more like a butterfly or turtle that knows its’ way to their place of birth, instinctively. I charted a course through the snow and coasted on waves of instinct.

Now that I’m here, I am walking around circles, unsure about which way to go-what to do, how to be. My compass points don’t seem to be where they ought to be. My instincts are not helping me navigate this new terrain. I feel like stopping. Just sitting down to rest while the world flies right by. But rest seems so unnatural for pigeons, for butterflies, for turtles — for me. What if I miss something? someone? What if I get caught? What if I am found defenseless?

Being in the woods or in the water is one way that creatures like me recalibrate and renew. It was in the serenity of the woods that I gently cried. It was in the woods that my friend, said to me, “ the problem is that most people can’t find…say… Phoenix so they give up and go back where they came from”.  

Instantly, that resonated with me. I have followed my instincts and now I can’t see the destination. In her understated wisdom and strength of steel wrapped in silk, I realized that yes, she is right. I do want to give up and go back. Yet Phoenix, my social/emotional, spiritual Phoenix, is still there. It is still on my route but it is temporarily hidden from view. Yes, I can rest, for pigeons, butterflies and turtles do rest but I must continue to believe that my Phoenix is there, even in the apparent absence of it. When I find my Phoenix, I will find myself again and she will be better than before.



Posted by on November 16, 2011 in life freestyle


2 responses to “Can’t find my Phoenix, Can’t find Myself

  1. Arvat

    November 16, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    What beautiful writings! I have found myself enthralled as I read snippets of your thoughts as you maneuvar through this thing called life. I can’t wait to read more of the older posts. And, I cant wait until it is getting obvious that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    In this post you mentioned a desire to rest which seems to be an unstated desire evident in many of the older posts that I have read. That doesnt sound like a bad idea. The butterfly definitely uses this tactic. In order to make that metamorphisis complete, she crawls into a dark cocoon. And waalaa! A rebirth, a rejuvenation! Now she has wings! Now she can fly!

    • bellabarks

      November 16, 2011 at 11:29 pm

      so true Arvat. Thanks for your words of wisdom and gentle encouragement. You really are steel wrapped in silk.


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