At times there is a ‘yes’ over my life. At times there’s a ‘no’. And at other times there’s a ‘not yet’.
It is during the ‘yes’ times that I have a compelling feeling that something is right, feels right, sounds right. My ‘no’ times are often felt with the same intensity as in, “no, this is not right”. For both the ‘yes’ and ‘no’ times in your life, the difficulty (as least for me) has been acting on them and trusting these feelings. I am notorious for making pros and cons lists, I take forever to make particular decisions and generally feel bumped around in life.
I often rationalize through the ‘yes’ and ‘no’ times, by saying something like, “I know this IS NOT right but I can make a ‘yes’ case for it intellectually’, or “I know this IS right but I’m afraid to do it”. I often have a fool’s wish that I didn’t have to recalibrate my gut each time to determine is my yeses and no’s. I often wish that I was born or raised (or yes, had a crystal ball) with a clearer sense of when a yes is a yes and a no is a no. But alas, that really is a fool’s wish and honestly, I have all of that knowledge inside of me right now.
As I continue to live, think and pray about my experiences, my yeses and my no’s do get clearer …but it’s the ‘not yet’ that is giving me a workout these days.
The ‘not yet’ is where the work comes in for me. The ‘not yet’ is the place where I am clear about the ‘yes’ or the ‘no’ but I need to work to get there. Real emotional, spiritual work.
My ‘not yet’ feels like a house. It feels like love. I have begun to dig under the garden to test the soil, pulled up the carpet to inspect the floor and made holes in the wall to make sure the structure is stable. All of this in an effort to realize my ‘yes’. All of this in an effort to fully realize, appreciate and reciprocate the love that is in my life.
I am convinced that the life I am recreating has a ‘yes’ over it. This life will hold more love than I can imagine. It will be a life that I can pour into. But, first I need to tear down some things, fix some things and build up other things. I cannot hold onto ‘nos’ or rationalize a ‘no’ into a ‘yes’ any longer.
This is hard work- getting to the essence of myself and starting fresh. It’s hard work but it’s worth it. My relationship with love is worth it. My relationship with my parents, my daughter and with Larry is worth it.