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Resiliency part 2

19 Apr

The process of relocating back to the South was a bold move in faith and hope. A way to push myself out of my comfort zone-a way to free float off the cliff instead of being constantly afraid of falling off the cliff. A paradigm shift, if you will, a model for risk-taking, an effort to learn how to nurture. An effort to find true happiness personally and professionally. It was an Oprah moment.

The process of starting over (which is now what I realize this move to be) was debilitating. The emotional/psychological/intellectual insecurity that came with the job search and rebuilding relationships was more overwhelming than anything I have experienced thus far in my 44 1/2 years of life and I am a STRONG BLACK woman with an amazing resume and deep, lasting friendships.

The process of moving was much, much, much more difficult than I can even articulate. With these experiences, I fell into the role of victim and lost a bit of my internal fire each day. It is really difficult to remain hopeful and to even project hopefulness when nothing is seemingly going your way.

My old dispositions of strength, vitality and warmth turned into seemingly new dispositions of despair, fear and insecurity. Back up against the wall, body sprawled out on the floor, weeping, I decided to pay attention to the church ladies and cry out in my car; give thanks, ask for help to move myself out-of-the-way. “Let it go”,  I kept screaming. “Get rid of it! You are better than this!”

I networked, drove all over multiple cities chasing leads, Skyped with my professional coach (she needed to do some pro-bono work:), exercised with a running club, planted a garden and decided to keep pushing forward. I garnered two part-time jobs which I love (one school-based, one university-based), started a consulting company, ran a 10K and deepened my most important relationships. Whew.

There are still days when I cry and wonder what’s next (but I haven’t cried right before an interview in a while ;). However, there are so many more days where I say, “it is what it is and that is/is not for me ” and I move on feeling strong, confident and hopeful. I just pray that I never forget the lessons learned from having this incredible and difficult experience. I feel as though I’m going to be even better than before. Amen and thank you to my wonderful support system and to me – for continuing to get back up with God’s help).

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5 Comments

Posted by on April 19, 2012 in life freestyle

 

5 responses to “Resiliency part 2

  1. Jillian

    April 19, 2012 at 11:51 pm

    As always, so well said. I am so impressed & proud of you…you truly are a role model to so many. This makes me miss you & your wisdom even more.
    Thank you for sharing!

     
  2. Brian

    May 6, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Hey, Hollee – Reading your latest blog resonates with me. As I compose this message, I’m at the cross roads of life both professionally and personally. I’ve been between two institutions on a part-time basis since January and on the academic job market since September, I’m now faced with the decision of staying in my comfort zone OR doing what you did courageously not so long ago, and that is, packing up and leaving the familiar to see what’s next.

    I cast a “wide net” in the fall (2011) in search of a new academic home with job applications sent to institutions all across the U.S. and the spring (2012) has brought an impressive return that is both exciting and scary. I was so sure that a particular local position was where I wanted to be (and should be) OR that God was leading me there, until an unexpected “game changer” in the mid-west turned on its head, what I thought was a sure thing. This institution, has more than piqued my interested and is tied to my professional and personal interests – as it goes beyond mere theory and research about Urban Education, to deliberately, purposefully and thoughtfully creating an Urban Teacher Program that though only 10 years old has made some impressive accomplishments. A

    A long story short, I’m at the cross roads professionally and personally and decision time begins this week! I will keep you posted…

     
    • bellabarks

      May 12, 2012 at 12:45 am

      brian—crying…please keep me posted. I am praying for your discernment.

       
  3. Brian

    May 25, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    Hey, Hollee -Since I commented last, I’ve been at the “negotiating table” over an offer made by a school in the mid-west and so, I’m definitely leaving Bean town! I don’t think I have your email address? (And of course, after re-reading my last post, it’s clear that I didn’t do careful proofreading!)

     

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